Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
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Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
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My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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