I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
