It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
