Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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