I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Don't tell me you're on acid again
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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