I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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