Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
