we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
