I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
