I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
