the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you had me at cake vodka
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
