someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
