I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
