this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just gift wrapped bread.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
