the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm just crazy horny about you
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize