Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
