apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
