If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
