I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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