When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
