A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
