i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
