I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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