just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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