problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Randomize
