My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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