i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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