You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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