She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
