OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
