I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
