I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
