dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
