i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
