I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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