It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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