The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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