I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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