apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
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I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
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gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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