She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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