the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
