Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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