Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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