guys are not supposed to queef...right?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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