and you said cock pushups were impossible
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
