I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
