i think my tv is drunk
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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