I think I won the penis lottery.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
