Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
