Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
