Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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