You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
