My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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