my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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