this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
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i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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