bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
