I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
