Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize