i just wanna soil my oats bro
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
A Guy Sent A Woman What May Be The Craziest Breakup Text Ever
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes