You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
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Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
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EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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