he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
