I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
